From Big Mother
[edit] Introduction
The definition of a non custodial mother is:
A mother who does not have their child living with them after a divorce or separation, because of a court's decision
[edit] Why they lose custody
Breaking one of the largest urban myths that still isolate noncustodial mothers is that they were unable to provide inadequate care. Some of the reasons why mothers have lost custody(as custody prep moms points out) are:
Breastfeeding--the mothers either wanted to and it was determined an alienating behavior, or they did not choose to breastfeed and it was termed child neglect or indifference
Children got head lice during a period of mother's care.
Too many people (all relatives) living in one home (i.e. mom had to return home to family to gain economic and emotional support)
Father remarried and married family deemed superior to single motherhood
Father's job and education deemed superior--sometimes even though mom sacrificed her goals and dreams so father could obtain same.
Not desiring 50/50 custody or other joint custodial arrangements
Not desiring to give up the marital home
Leaving the marital home while fleeing from abuse, especially if she left the children behind.
Going to church
Going to church too often
Not going to church
Having a different religion than the father
Having a different religion than the children
Home schooling your children
Being poor or less well-off than the father and his extended family
Having unprotected sex although no longer living with or married to your former mate
Believing your children when they tell of abuse
Being depressed or sad
Having been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) caused by the battery/abuse in your relationship with your child's father and having that used to term the mother "unstable"
Crying in front of any court personnel
Being anxious or "hyper-vigilant", even when abuse to self and children are an issue
Dating on occasion and leaving your child with a trusted sitter
Dating someone of another race
Not dating
Having a boyfriend
Not having a boyfriend
Living with a boyfriend
Refusing to marry your boyfriend
Having a social life--women have been penalized for taking occasional evening breaks away from the children for meetings, to meet friends, etc.
Not having a social life--women were penalized for being "wrapped up" in the kids and not having other interests.
Having a career
Not having a career
Working too much
Not working enough
Using daycare or before/after-school care so you can work to support your kids
Being non-white: a Native American, Black, Asian, etc.
Having your child learn your native language--mothers have been deemed more of a "flight risk" for teaching their child their heritage and language, or deemed to be alienating the child from the father by teaching the child a language the father does not know.
Being white-fathers ethnicity given greater accord because mother supposedly could not provide a racial/ethnic identity for the child.
Being involved in your children's education/volunteering-deemed "over-involved" or enmeshed with her children
Having a close, loving relationship with your child - court personnel seem to love pathologizing mother/child bonds as "enmeshed", "unhealthy"
Wishing to move
Being disorganized
Having a messy home
Being too neat & orderly
Being a lesbian
Being a good role model for your child--a female child in one case was noted by the judge as being "alienated" by the mother because the child looked up to her mother and wanted to follow in her same career path when she grew up.
Not liking your ex
Having been hospitalized for a physical ailment or injury
Thinking negative thoughts about your ex (doesn't matter whether you verbalize them or not)
Being an "unconscious alienator", termed as having the likelihood of alienating sometime in the future
Going back to school and using daycare
Not using daycare--mother deemed too "enmeshed" and "over-involved" with her preschool aged children because she worked at home and used her maternal relatives for occasional childcare and did not want to put her toddler into daycare/preschool.
Being disabled at the hands of your child's father
Being blind or deaf, although adequately being the primary parent of your child for numerous years
Photographing injuries found on your child and identified by the child as having been caused by their father
The evaluator didn't like the mother because she reminded her of someone--in one case, a woman was told she wasn't liked because she reminded the evaluator of her mother
Being protective of your children
Taking your children to the doctor - termed "anxious" parenting, or pathologized further into Munchausen's Syndrome By Proxy
Using your computer
Computer dating
Staying up too late at night to get work done
Sending the kids to summer camp - termed "farming them out"
Following doctors orders in administering prescribed medications
Taking your children to counseling
Children's grades are not high enough
Children missed too much school due to illness
You're not a father
